Exactly 4 years ago…
My life turned on a dime and I started on an entire new path which has lead to Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (or CRPS/RSD) - a Chronic Illness causing immense, insufferable, and at times debilitating Chronic Pain.
In fact, CRPS/RSD is ranked at the top of the McGill Pain Scale. It’s above amputation of a digit without anesthetic. It’s above cancer. And it’s above the, perhaps more relatable for most of you out there, childbirth. The pain is all the time. Sometimes it flares and the level reaches a point I know only God understands. It’s me and him against the world. Do any of y’all feel like that? Any others who live with CRPS/RSD? See, because I can’t be angry at him. No way! Whatever his plan was… whatever this pain is… has made me who I am today. Compassionate, empathetic, patient, kind, joyful, hopeful, and incredibly strong, there’s no giving up here! His plan taught me how to love.
And while of course sometimes I get angry that my “5 year plan” didn’t quite work out - oh trust me, I have my hard days! I have moments when a trigger will have me enraged and wrapped up in my loss, blinded by frustration that I’m not “better” (whatever that means!). Caught up in a pointless wrath. They’re just moments! They’re normal - and we know why they happen. To put it incredibly simply… they happen because we’re in too much pain and we feel dependent on others. Because we’re terrified and overwhelmed financially. Because a touch is craved here or there. Because people just don’t get it and you’re bloody sick of hearing that they do. Because you were going to be GREAT, damn it! Because you’re embarassed. Because you’re lonely. Because you just feel all of these and you feel guilty for feeling them because you’re alive and you should be grateful. Or because you should man up. Or because you have a great support system and you feel like an asshole for feeling lonely when people take time out of their day to support you. But that’s just it. You don’t want to be “supported”. You just want to be normal. You just want people to hang out with you because they want to. Not because they feel it’ll life your bloody spirits. Maybe it’s because you feel unwanted. You feel ugly. You’re not. But you feel it. And that’s ok because you’re entitled to feel whatever you want to feel. Or because you’re exhausted and the kids run you to the ground. You feel inadequate as a mother. Does your partner see that yet? Will he? How long until he goes somewhere for a real smile, not a fake exhausted one? Perhaps it’s because you were cheated on. You’re younger and unmarried, but you couldn’t hack it in a relationship anyway. You’re scared about your future. Will anyone want to marry you? Can you even have your own kids? Would you be able to manage them? Maybe you’ve lost your hair. And with this your self-esteem. People make comments. They don’t realise the affect. But you sure do.
There are SO many reasons we may have a tough day or be affected while on this journey. But in having reasons, we know the reasons. Which means we can work through the reasons.
You know what that means? It means that afterwards we can breathe deeply, have a cup of tea and say… “Whew! Ok, I’m glad I got that out! I honored my feelings.” Be sure to apologise to anyone hurt in the crossfire. Let them know you were frustrated at the situation and not them. Maybe do something nice for them to let them know you truly appreciate them. Then you can do a cheers to positivity and move on. If the issue continues to arise or is incredibly detrimental to your mental health, please seek help. But the bottom line is - we’re pretty blessed to KNOW what our issue is. We can fight each one off one at a time :)
And just for the record, do you think that an illness free, pain free “perfect 5 year plan” existence is issue free. NO WAY! How would psychologists make a living?! In fact, many times, “normal” people (so I’ve heard) have no idea what the issue is. Or even what the issues are. Think back… remember that life? It wasn’t perfect, was it?
So with a whole lot of reflection what have I learnt? That I wouldn’t change a thing! I am one hell of a lucky duck! Not to mention the wonderful people I’ve met along the way. I thought i knew inspiration before - ha! Thank y’all so much! BIG HUGE MASSIVE LOVE! xx